Negative

Well the Nurse Practitioner was right with her prediction. I woke up one morning and the bloating and cramping was gone. I started 2 days later.  It really bugs me that she was so negative about the whole thing. I really think she has an issue with me being single because of comments she made. I am undecided on what to do. I'm not really comfortable with this doctors office at all. I am considering another office but I don't really want to have to start all over with the testing that the new office requires. They are also a lot farther away from me.

Does anyone have any experience with an ICI (Intracervical Insemination) instead of an IUI? The nurse practitioner at the current doctor's office I am going to told me she didn't even know what an ICI was. Not real reassuring!  I was considering doing the ICI with the same office but now I'm not so sure. The bank I am using will ship to my home with a doctors signature so that is an option as well. I just don't know that much about it (ICI) and I don't know anyone who has gone that route.

Since it didn't work this time I decided to tackle another major home project and build a back porch. My Mom and I have got most of the wall framing done and I will hopefully have the roof on in a few days. Thank God for my Mom, I don't know what I'd do without her!!

Update

So I called the lab tech to check on the quality / mobility of the sample. All they would tell me was it was adequate. They wouldn't give a number (or estimate). Since I was on the phone with her I asked  what it was that they used to dilate my cervix and I told her some of the symptoms I've been having and she said "Oh that might mean you are pregnant then!" "I'll tell the nurse your symptoms and ask what it was they used to dilate and have her call you back."

The Nurse Practitioner who performed the IUI called back. She was not nice. She acted like I had insulted her in some way by talking to the lab tech about the sample. She was so very rude. She said that since a woman who uses her HUSBANDs' sperm (she kept stressing the word Husbands') only has about a 13% chance of pregnancy each IUI, that my chances of succeeding are way less. She said she could pretty much guarantee I wasn't pregnant and that the symptoms I've been having for the last 2 weeks are because I am MID cycle (not the end?) and I'm about to start my period any day. I told her I've had cramps and bloating since the IUI. I just asked if it was normal to still be bloated and have cramps. I normally do not have cramps until the day I actually start so it would be very abnormal to have them for almost 2 weeks. She also said she did not use anything to dilate my cervix, even though she told me that day that she did, and whatever it was, was on a swab all ready to go. I wanted to point out that if a woman was going to the doctors to be inseminated with her husbands sperm that there was an issue somewhere and that was why the numbers where low. I have no noted fertility problems so I would think I would have at least slightly better odds. 

Besides that, how can she "pretty much guarantee" me that I'm not pregnant if she performed an IUI? I know the chances are slim but its not impossible. Only time will tell I guess....

Today was the day...

Today was the day of my 1st IUI. I had a really hard time choosing the donor. I researched so many banks and could not decide which one to go with. I have been seriously researching since February. I had it narrowed down to 2 and I had a donor I liked on each site. Of course the one I really wanted was on a waitlist. I waited a few months but the donor was still not available so I went with my 2nd choice/ different bank. I was all set to complete the purchase when I found an old FDA warning letter from 2011 that changed my mind. It was a warning letter to the bank stating that they had found testing issues with 26 donors! They did the medical testing on the donors originally and quarantined the sperm but they never re-tested the donors for the required things prior to releasing the sperm. When I contacted the FDA to see if the bank had been inspected since then and if there were any recent complaints they told me I had to file a Freedom of Information Request. I decided I wasn't comfortable with that bank even though other people had used them and had great reviews for them. Their customer service was great but I couldn't get past them messing up with 26 donors. How many more did they let through that no one ever found out about?  So, that led me back to the other bank and luckily they had a new donor that fit what was looking for.

I placed my order on Thursday and had it delivered to the doctors office on Friday.  The doctor told me to test for the LH surge only in the morning and to call to arrange for an appointment for the following day once I got the surge. I'm glad I didn't listen to the "only test once a day"! I tested randomly throughout the day on Sunday and it was late afternoon before I got the surge. I re-tested the next morning and the test was negative. If I had only tested once a day like they said to I would have missed the surge completely. I went in for the IUI today and had a nurse practitioner I had never met before perform the IUI. She was really nice (at 1st) and explained everything that would be done. She said the sperm had 25% motility but they usually see 30%. She said they couldn't tell what the count was at their office because it was frozen sperm and they didn't have a microscope that powerful. ?? How can they tell motility percentage if they don't have a number to base it off of? 25% of what? I'm going to call the lab and speak to them directly.

The IUI itself was very painful. I believed everyone when they told me it would be like a pap. I was in a lot of pain and they had to apply something to open my cervix because she couldn't get the catheter in. It felt like she basically rammed the utensils in me and when I swore she replied "Well this is what you wanted right"?  Uhmm no! Holy hell! I thought the IUI was the easy part. I am really beginning to doubt myself. If I can't handle an IUI, that everyone else says is nothing, how can I possibly handle child birth?!? I expected to be uncomfortable but I really didn't expect that kind of pain or the bleeding afterwards. Can't stand up straight kind of pain. I came right home and laid in bed for 3 hours and am feeling better. I'm not really sure what to think, I just can't imagine going through what many other women have had to go through to get pregnant. Years of this and way worse. I'm not that strong, I'm already wondering if I could put myself through it again.

Appointment

I have my first consultation appointment next week. I decided to start with a local OBGYN that does inseminations. The appointment is a week away from today and I'm already so nervous I feel sick! :) I have been waiting for about 2 months for the appointment and my list of questions for the doctor keeps growing... I tend to be an over-thinker and have so many worries. Some of which I know are normal, others I'm sure I've created for myself.

Part of me is scared to death to actually be pregnant. I read all of these horror stories about women who have had major complications and of course I think its going to happen to me. Its not even the actual delivery that I fear, which I probably should right?!? I fear a pulmonary embolism or an aneurysm, which I know are both pretty rare. So why do I have this fear? Maybe because two of my nieces have had pregnancy complications. Maybe because I read too much?!? One of my nieces was hospitalized for months during her pregnancy due to a heart problems that had previously been undiagnosed and only affected her while pregnant. The other niece, who had a baby 5 week ago, was just released from the hospital last week after having a very serious and rare blood clot in her ovarian vein.

Another worry is my job. Right now I am able to pay my mortgage and pay extra towards paying off debt, but not much else. The home renovations have put a huge dent in any savings that I may have had. I have figured out costs associated with having a baby as best as I can and will be able to afford it as long as I can keep the job/pay level I am at. I currently work very close to my house so there are not a lot of gas expenses and/or extra car maintenance. I work for a small family owned business that has less than 30 employees and I am the only female working there. The owner is pretty "old school" and thinks women should only be answering the phone and filing. I'm not sure how they would handle me being pregnant. They asked me in the interview whether I had kids or not and when I replied "no" they said "good, that's how we like it". I know that this is pretty much illegal for them to ask but I really needed the job at the time. I worry that they will find a reason to "lay me off" and I won't be able to find another job at my pay level. This has been a big worry for me for a while now. I know that I can't let that fear stop me from my dreams so I need to figure out a way to protect myself from a financial crisis if it were to happen.

I also worry about my dogs. I have 2 lab mixes who are like my kids and would do just about anything for them. I worry about what it will be like to be alone, with a baby in the house, and two big dogs. Will the dogs be OK with a baby? Who will take care of them if something were to happen to me? (I already have a plan for who would care for the baby).
My dogs have never really been around kids, other than the neighbor and that was thru the fence. They are sometimes loud and rowdy but are pretty low maintenance. I am fortunate enough to have a decent sized fenced in yard and they pretty much entertain themselves when I am working on the house.  I see so many people who get rid of their dogs after having kids. Why? Did the dogs not get along with the baby? Is it really because they don't have the time to spend with them anymore, taking them for walks, feeding them, etc? Did they allow for an adjustment period? I am NOT judging anyone who made the decision to re-home a pet. I am just really curious why someone would have to make that choice so I can prepare as best as I can. Anyone have any experience with this?

Am I really worrying about all of this stuff for nothing? I know most of the things I worry about won't ever happen. Or they could happen even without me being pregnant. I know it will all work out the way its supposed to, it always does. Worrying about it isn't going to change anything....

Rough day :(

Today was a rough day... Today my niece was married.

I am very happy for her and she seems to have found a great man. I am so sad though because I could not be there to watch her walk down the aisle.

Why? Well, because of my family. When I was 15 my (un-married) sister had a beautiful baby girl. The day she came home from the hospital she handed her to me and said "here you go, I'll be back in an hour" that hour turned into days. When she finally came home her reply to me asking where she had been... "I said an hour, not which hour or which day". Ummm OK!!. I ended up having her for the better part of 5 years. When she had her second one, it was the same thing. I was still in school but I found a sitter during the day, and since I was a good student I took study halls at the end of the day, so I could get out early to take care of them.

 My sister came and went, sometimes not hearing from her for a week at a time. She met a man at a bar one night and he moved in with her that night. Things went from bad to worse instantly. She had major anger issues and so did he. She decided then she wanted to play happy family. The kids were being abused repeatedly and I turned them in.  When the oldest was 6 social services pulled her out of my arms to return her back to her "mother". She was kicking and screaming, begging them to let her stay with me. That was the 3rd time he broke one of the kids bones and he went to jail for a little while, she got probation. My sister told the kids it was my fault, I took their "Daddy" away. I was no longer allowed to see the kids. When I saw them at family functions the kids would get beat if they so much as even looked at me. Social Services wouldn't do anything else. I wasn't even allowed visitation, because I am only an aunt. They got back together as soon as he was released from jail.

Over the years I prayed that the kids would remember that I tried to help them and that once they were adults that we could re-connect. They are both grown now and it still hasn't happened. The oldest doesn't even remember all of the time we spent together, just the things her "mother" fed her all of these years.

So today as she was celebrating one of the happiest days of her life I was not allowed to be a part of it. I feel like I have been gutted. Today is the day that I have to face the fact that, the day I have been waiting for is never going to come. The little girl I thought of as mine wants nothing to do with me and probably never will.

I think that is one of the reasons I have waited so long to have kids. I haven't had contact with my sister in years but in the back of my mind, I have always had the fear that if I have kids (especially by myself) that she will somehow be able to take them away from me. Crazy I know!

Why is it that life never turns out like you think it's going to????

Sharing Holiday Joy

Mama Bear over at "A Road Less Traveled" posted yesterday about a great program to help send some holiday joy to needy children. See her post here: A Road Less Traveled /christmas-blessings

I think it is a great idea and I will be sending a box myself. Anyone want to join us? Here is the link with the info: Operation Christmas Child

Happy Halloween

Halloween was always my favorite holiday as a child. It was more than just getting dressed up in a costume and asking for candy. :)

For me, part of the fun was helping to make the costume. Weeks ahead of time we would choose just the right costume, search for the pattern and materials, and my Mom would sew it all together. Sometimes it was made out of things we had around the house. It's amazing the ideas you can come up with if you put your mind to it!

Halloween night we always had dinner right after I got home from school and then the fun began! My mom always dressed in costume too and between myself, my nieces, sister-in-law, friends, and my Mom there was always a bunch of us to get ready (my brothers and sisters are much older than I am so my nieces are just a few years younger than me). We would all laugh and help everyone get into their costumes and makeup. We then set out through the neighborhood, all of us walking and meeting up with other groups along the way. We told ghost stories and talked about the "haunted houses" along the route. The last stop of the night was always at my Grandmothers house. (She was one of those people who was like a grandma to everyone in the neighboorhood) She always had a special bag of goodies for us and her famous homemade cider donuts. We waited all year for those donuts!!

Memories :) I hope someday I have the opportunity to create those special memories with my children....