I'm so upset and disappointed. I really thought this time would be different. Everything seemed to go perfectly.
Realistically I'm not sure how many more tries I can afford right now. I had originally said I would try 3 times and then review my options. I had very little money to start with due to all of the home renovations. It was not ideally the best time to try, but I'm afraid to wait and miss my chance. Maybe I have already missed my chance. I'm afraid to spend all of the money I have and not have it work. If I spend all of my money on IUI's it will take me that much longer if I try to adopt. I have heard that the China program is changing its requirements starting in January and it will be slightly easier for singles to adopt. Maybe that is the way I should be going?? International adoption is so expensive and that has risks too. I'm so unsure of what to do... It always seems to come down to money. Money seems to rule everything in my life and I hate it.
I'm really mad at myself for waiting as long as I did. I kept thinking if I waited I might find the right guy and have a family the traditional way. Now it may be too late...
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Sunday, December 7, 2014
IUI # 2
I had my second IUI yesterday @ 4pm and it was a completely different experience than the 1st time. I had a male doctor (I was very nervous about that) and they opened the office just for me since it was a Saturday. He is with the same office I went to before. The doctor and lab technician were both very nice and they tried their best to reassure me about the procedure. It hurt so bad the last time that it took me 3 months to try again. I told the doctor briefly about my experience last time and he said that the procedure should not have hurt like that and he was right. It didn't hurt at all this time only some discomfort at the beginning like with a pap. I actually had to ask if he was really finished. I have not had any of the bleeding or cramping I had last time either. The last time I had it I could barely drive myself home. Now I wonder what the heck she did to me? So the two week wait begins....
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Try # 2
I will be getting another IUI the beginning of December if all goes well. I've been looking at other donors and other banks but I keep going back to the one I've already chosen. I'm cmv negative so it narrows the selection quite a bit. I guess I keep looking because it seems like everyone says "you will just know when you find the right donor". That didn't really happen for me. I really like the donor and the personality that is portrayed but there is one medical concern I'm not sure if I should really even worry about. I guess in all reality I'm still having a really hard time letting go of the dream I've had my whole life. I wanted to fall in love, get married, and then have a baby.
Considering that I've been out on 2 dates in 5 years, I don't see that happening. Not in time for me to have a baby anyway. I haven't dated for a few reasons. The last relationship I was in ended badly. I was living with a guy and we worked together. We had slightly different hours and worked in different departments so we didn't really see each other during the work day. The day it ended started like any other, he left for work an hour before I did and got home before me. That morning he complained about work and I told him if he wasn't happy to do something about it. I thought he would look for another job (before or after giving notice to his job, I didn't really care). That afternoon I see him pull back into work after his shift. I didn't really think anything of it, he often came back for his tools if he had a project he was working on. No one said a word to me about why he was there and he didn't come and say hello. When I got home, my house was pretty much empty. He had cleaned out all of his things and left, not even leaving a note. He wouldn't answer my calls or my texts. He was gone. Going back to work the next day was hard. I couldn't believe no one said a word about him loading up his tools and quitting. We hadn't really been together that long, but it was long enough for me to have let him move in with me. My family loved him and we had a lot of plans. It really hurt when I found out he had moved out of state and within TWO weeks he had married an ex-girlfriend he supposedly hadn't seen in quite some time.
I decided right then to take some time off from dating. I had to make sure I was choosing the right kind of guy and for the right reasons. I seemed to always choose the same type and I didn't want to make that mistake again. Now, 5 years later I've been on 2 dates and don't really have the desire to go through it all again. I know it could be different with the right person, its just finding him. I've been so busy working on my house I didn't really have the time to date. My sister keeps encouraging me to try internet dating but I can't seem to force myself to actually write a profile. I keep joking that if I haven't met Tall, Dark, and Handsome at the hardware store I'm probably not going to find him anywhere. In a way I feel like I would be rushing things if I met someone anyway. I want to have a baby and time is limited for me to do so. With my age and family history multiple doctors have said if I'm going to do it, I need to do it now. So hopefully this try will be the lucky one. I will keep you updated....
Considering that I've been out on 2 dates in 5 years, I don't see that happening. Not in time for me to have a baby anyway. I haven't dated for a few reasons. The last relationship I was in ended badly. I was living with a guy and we worked together. We had slightly different hours and worked in different departments so we didn't really see each other during the work day. The day it ended started like any other, he left for work an hour before I did and got home before me. That morning he complained about work and I told him if he wasn't happy to do something about it. I thought he would look for another job (before or after giving notice to his job, I didn't really care). That afternoon I see him pull back into work after his shift. I didn't really think anything of it, he often came back for his tools if he had a project he was working on. No one said a word to me about why he was there and he didn't come and say hello. When I got home, my house was pretty much empty. He had cleaned out all of his things and left, not even leaving a note. He wouldn't answer my calls or my texts. He was gone. Going back to work the next day was hard. I couldn't believe no one said a word about him loading up his tools and quitting. We hadn't really been together that long, but it was long enough for me to have let him move in with me. My family loved him and we had a lot of plans. It really hurt when I found out he had moved out of state and within TWO weeks he had married an ex-girlfriend he supposedly hadn't seen in quite some time.
I decided right then to take some time off from dating. I had to make sure I was choosing the right kind of guy and for the right reasons. I seemed to always choose the same type and I didn't want to make that mistake again. Now, 5 years later I've been on 2 dates and don't really have the desire to go through it all again. I know it could be different with the right person, its just finding him. I've been so busy working on my house I didn't really have the time to date. My sister keeps encouraging me to try internet dating but I can't seem to force myself to actually write a profile. I keep joking that if I haven't met Tall, Dark, and Handsome at the hardware store I'm probably not going to find him anywhere. In a way I feel like I would be rushing things if I met someone anyway. I want to have a baby and time is limited for me to do so. With my age and family history multiple doctors have said if I'm going to do it, I need to do it now. So hopefully this try will be the lucky one. I will keep you updated....
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Negative
Well the Nurse Practitioner was right with her prediction. I woke up one morning and the bloating and cramping was gone. I started 2 days later. It really bugs me that she was so negative about the whole thing. I really think she has an issue with me being single because of comments she made. I am undecided on what to do. I'm not really comfortable with this doctors office at all. I am considering another office but I don't really want to have to start all over with the testing that the new office requires. They are also a lot farther away from me.
Does anyone have any experience with an ICI (Intracervical Insemination) instead of an IUI? The nurse practitioner at the current doctor's office I am going to told me she didn't even know what an ICI was. Not real reassuring! I was considering doing the ICI with the same office but now I'm not so sure. The bank I am using will ship to my home with a doctors signature so that is an option as well. I just don't know that much about it (ICI) and I don't know anyone who has gone that route.
Since it didn't work this time I decided to tackle another major home project and build a back porch. My Mom and I have got most of the wall framing done and I will hopefully have the roof on in a few days. Thank God for my Mom, I don't know what I'd do without her!!
Does anyone have any experience with an ICI (Intracervical Insemination) instead of an IUI? The nurse practitioner at the current doctor's office I am going to told me she didn't even know what an ICI was. Not real reassuring! I was considering doing the ICI with the same office but now I'm not so sure. The bank I am using will ship to my home with a doctors signature so that is an option as well. I just don't know that much about it (ICI) and I don't know anyone who has gone that route.
Since it didn't work this time I decided to tackle another major home project and build a back porch. My Mom and I have got most of the wall framing done and I will hopefully have the roof on in a few days. Thank God for my Mom, I don't know what I'd do without her!!
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Update
So I called the lab tech to check on the quality / mobility of the sample. All they would tell me was it was adequate. They wouldn't give a number (or estimate). Since I was on the phone with her I asked what it was that they used to dilate my cervix and I told her some of the symptoms I've been having and she said "Oh that might mean you are pregnant then!" "I'll tell the nurse your symptoms and ask what it was they used to dilate and have her call you back."
The Nurse Practitioner who performed the IUI called back. She was not nice. She acted like I had insulted her in some way by talking to the lab tech about the sample. She was so very rude. She said that since a woman who uses her HUSBANDs' sperm (she kept stressing the word Husbands') only has about a 13% chance of pregnancy each IUI, that my chances of succeeding are way less. She said she could pretty much guarantee I wasn't pregnant and that the symptoms I've been having for the last 2 weeks are because I am MID cycle (not the end?) and I'm about to start my period any day. I told her I've had cramps and bloating since the IUI. I just asked if it was normal to still be bloated and have cramps. I normally do not have cramps until the day I actually start so it would be very abnormal to have them for almost 2 weeks. She also said she did not use anything to dilate my cervix, even though she told me that day that she did, and whatever it was, was on a swab all ready to go. I wanted to point out that if a woman was going to the doctors to be inseminated with her husbands sperm that there was an issue somewhere and that was why the numbers where low. I have no noted fertility problems so I would think I would have at least slightly better odds.
Besides that, how can she "pretty much guarantee" me that I'm not pregnant if she performed an IUI? I know the chances are slim but its not impossible. Only time will tell I guess....
The Nurse Practitioner who performed the IUI called back. She was not nice. She acted like I had insulted her in some way by talking to the lab tech about the sample. She was so very rude. She said that since a woman who uses her HUSBANDs' sperm (she kept stressing the word Husbands') only has about a 13% chance of pregnancy each IUI, that my chances of succeeding are way less. She said she could pretty much guarantee I wasn't pregnant and that the symptoms I've been having for the last 2 weeks are because I am MID cycle (not the end?) and I'm about to start my period any day. I told her I've had cramps and bloating since the IUI. I just asked if it was normal to still be bloated and have cramps. I normally do not have cramps until the day I actually start so it would be very abnormal to have them for almost 2 weeks. She also said she did not use anything to dilate my cervix, even though she told me that day that she did, and whatever it was, was on a swab all ready to go. I wanted to point out that if a woman was going to the doctors to be inseminated with her husbands sperm that there was an issue somewhere and that was why the numbers where low. I have no noted fertility problems so I would think I would have at least slightly better odds.
Besides that, how can she "pretty much guarantee" me that I'm not pregnant if she performed an IUI? I know the chances are slim but its not impossible. Only time will tell I guess....
Monday, September 8, 2014
Today was the day...
Today was the day of my 1st IUI. I had a really hard time choosing the donor. I researched so many banks and could not decide which one to go with. I have been seriously researching since February. I had it narrowed down to 2 and I had a donor I liked on each site. Of course the one I really wanted was on a waitlist. I waited a few months but the donor was still not available so I went with my 2nd choice/ different bank. I was all set to complete the purchase when I found an old FDA warning letter from 2011 that changed my mind. It was a warning letter to the bank stating that they had found testing issues with 26 donors! They did the medical testing on the donors originally and quarantined the sperm but they never re-tested the donors for the required things prior to releasing the sperm. When I contacted the FDA to see if the bank had been inspected since then and if there were any recent complaints they told me I had to file a Freedom of Information Request. I decided I wasn't comfortable with that bank even though other people had used them and had great reviews for them. Their customer service was great but I couldn't get past them messing up with 26 donors. How many more did they let through that no one ever found out about? So, that led me back to the other bank and luckily they had a new donor that fit what was looking for.
I placed my order on Thursday and had it delivered to the doctors office on Friday. The doctor told me to test for the LH surge only in the morning and to call to arrange for an appointment for the following day once I got the surge. I'm glad I didn't listen to the "only test once a day"! I tested randomly throughout the day on Sunday and it was late afternoon before I got the surge. I re-tested the next morning and the test was negative. If I had only tested once a day like they said to I would have missed the surge completely. I went in for the IUI today and had a nurse practitioner I had never met before perform the IUI. She was really nice (at 1st) and explained everything that would be done. She said the sperm had 25% motility but they usually see 30%. She said they couldn't tell what the count was at their office because it was frozen sperm and they didn't have a microscope that powerful. ?? How can they tell motility percentage if they don't have a number to base it off of? 25% of what? I'm going to call the lab and speak to them directly.
The IUI itself was very painful. I believed everyone when they told me it would be like a pap. I was in a lot of pain and they had to apply something to open my cervix because she couldn't get the catheter in. It felt like she basically rammed the utensils in me and when I swore she replied "Well this is what you wanted right"? Uhmm no! Holy hell! I thought the IUI was the easy part. I am really beginning to doubt myself. If I can't handle an IUI, that everyone else says is nothing, how can I possibly handle child birth?!? I expected to be uncomfortable but I really didn't expect that kind of pain or the bleeding afterwards. Can't stand up straight kind of pain. I came right home and laid in bed for 3 hours and am feeling better. I'm not really sure what to think, I just can't imagine going through what many other women have had to go through to get pregnant. Years of this and way worse. I'm not that strong, I'm already wondering if I could put myself through it again.
I placed my order on Thursday and had it delivered to the doctors office on Friday. The doctor told me to test for the LH surge only in the morning and to call to arrange for an appointment for the following day once I got the surge. I'm glad I didn't listen to the "only test once a day"! I tested randomly throughout the day on Sunday and it was late afternoon before I got the surge. I re-tested the next morning and the test was negative. If I had only tested once a day like they said to I would have missed the surge completely. I went in for the IUI today and had a nurse practitioner I had never met before perform the IUI. She was really nice (at 1st) and explained everything that would be done. She said the sperm had 25% motility but they usually see 30%. She said they couldn't tell what the count was at their office because it was frozen sperm and they didn't have a microscope that powerful. ?? How can they tell motility percentage if they don't have a number to base it off of? 25% of what? I'm going to call the lab and speak to them directly.
The IUI itself was very painful. I believed everyone when they told me it would be like a pap. I was in a lot of pain and they had to apply something to open my cervix because she couldn't get the catheter in. It felt like she basically rammed the utensils in me and when I swore she replied "Well this is what you wanted right"? Uhmm no! Holy hell! I thought the IUI was the easy part. I am really beginning to doubt myself. If I can't handle an IUI, that everyone else says is nothing, how can I possibly handle child birth?!? I expected to be uncomfortable but I really didn't expect that kind of pain or the bleeding afterwards. Can't stand up straight kind of pain. I came right home and laid in bed for 3 hours and am feeling better. I'm not really sure what to think, I just can't imagine going through what many other women have had to go through to get pregnant. Years of this and way worse. I'm not that strong, I'm already wondering if I could put myself through it again.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Appointment
I have my first consultation appointment next week. I decided to start with a local OBGYN that does inseminations. The appointment is a week away from today and I'm already so nervous I feel sick! :) I have been waiting for about 2 months for the appointment and my list of questions for the doctor keeps growing... I tend to be an over-thinker and have so many worries. Some of which I know are normal, others I'm sure I've created for myself.
Part of me is scared to death to actually be pregnant. I read all of these horror stories about women who have had major complications and of course I think its going to happen to me. Its not even the actual delivery that I fear, which I probably should right?!? I fear a pulmonary embolism or an aneurysm, which I know are both pretty rare. So why do I have this fear? Maybe because two of my nieces have had pregnancy complications. Maybe because I read too much?!? One of my nieces was hospitalized for months during her pregnancy due to a heart problems that had previously been undiagnosed and only affected her while pregnant. The other niece, who had a baby 5 week ago, was just released from the hospital last week after having a very serious and rare blood clot in her ovarian vein.
Another worry is my job. Right now I am able to pay my mortgage and pay extra towards paying off debt, but not much else. The home renovations have put a huge dent in any savings that I may have had. I have figured out costs associated with having a baby as best as I can and will be able to afford it as long as I can keep the job/pay level I am at. I currently work very close to my house so there are not a lot of gas expenses and/or extra car maintenance. I work for a small family owned business that has less than 30 employees and I am the only female working there. The owner is pretty "old school" and thinks women should only be answering the phone and filing. I'm not sure how they would handle me being pregnant. They asked me in the interview whether I had kids or not and when I replied "no" they said "good, that's how we like it". I know that this is pretty much illegal for them to ask but I really needed the job at the time. I worry that they will find a reason to "lay me off" and I won't be able to find another job at my pay level. This has been a big worry for me for a while now. I know that I can't let that fear stop me from my dreams so I need to figure out a way to protect myself from a financial crisis if it were to happen.
I also worry about my dogs. I have 2 lab mixes who are like my kids and would do just about anything for them. I worry about what it will be like to be alone, with a baby in the house, and two big dogs. Will the dogs be OK with a baby? Who will take care of them if something were to happen to me? (I already have a plan for who would care for the baby).
My dogs have never really been around kids, other than the neighbor and that was thru the fence. They are sometimes loud and rowdy but are pretty low maintenance. I am fortunate enough to have a decent sized fenced in yard and they pretty much entertain themselves when I am working on the house. I see so many people who get rid of their dogs after having kids. Why? Did the dogs not get along with the baby? Is it really because they don't have the time to spend with them anymore, taking them for walks, feeding them, etc? Did they allow for an adjustment period? I am NOT judging anyone who made the decision to re-home a pet. I am just really curious why someone would have to make that choice so I can prepare as best as I can. Anyone have any experience with this?
Am I really worrying about all of this stuff for nothing? I know most of the things I worry about won't ever happen. Or they could happen even without me being pregnant. I know it will all work out the way its supposed to, it always does. Worrying about it isn't going to change anything....
Part of me is scared to death to actually be pregnant. I read all of these horror stories about women who have had major complications and of course I think its going to happen to me. Its not even the actual delivery that I fear, which I probably should right?!? I fear a pulmonary embolism or an aneurysm, which I know are both pretty rare. So why do I have this fear? Maybe because two of my nieces have had pregnancy complications. Maybe because I read too much?!? One of my nieces was hospitalized for months during her pregnancy due to a heart problems that had previously been undiagnosed and only affected her while pregnant. The other niece, who had a baby 5 week ago, was just released from the hospital last week after having a very serious and rare blood clot in her ovarian vein.
Another worry is my job. Right now I am able to pay my mortgage and pay extra towards paying off debt, but not much else. The home renovations have put a huge dent in any savings that I may have had. I have figured out costs associated with having a baby as best as I can and will be able to afford it as long as I can keep the job/pay level I am at. I currently work very close to my house so there are not a lot of gas expenses and/or extra car maintenance. I work for a small family owned business that has less than 30 employees and I am the only female working there. The owner is pretty "old school" and thinks women should only be answering the phone and filing. I'm not sure how they would handle me being pregnant. They asked me in the interview whether I had kids or not and when I replied "no" they said "good, that's how we like it". I know that this is pretty much illegal for them to ask but I really needed the job at the time. I worry that they will find a reason to "lay me off" and I won't be able to find another job at my pay level. This has been a big worry for me for a while now. I know that I can't let that fear stop me from my dreams so I need to figure out a way to protect myself from a financial crisis if it were to happen.
I also worry about my dogs. I have 2 lab mixes who are like my kids and would do just about anything for them. I worry about what it will be like to be alone, with a baby in the house, and two big dogs. Will the dogs be OK with a baby? Who will take care of them if something were to happen to me? (I already have a plan for who would care for the baby).
My dogs have never really been around kids, other than the neighbor and that was thru the fence. They are sometimes loud and rowdy but are pretty low maintenance. I am fortunate enough to have a decent sized fenced in yard and they pretty much entertain themselves when I am working on the house. I see so many people who get rid of their dogs after having kids. Why? Did the dogs not get along with the baby? Is it really because they don't have the time to spend with them anymore, taking them for walks, feeding them, etc? Did they allow for an adjustment period? I am NOT judging anyone who made the decision to re-home a pet. I am just really curious why someone would have to make that choice so I can prepare as best as I can. Anyone have any experience with this?
Am I really worrying about all of this stuff for nothing? I know most of the things I worry about won't ever happen. Or they could happen even without me being pregnant. I know it will all work out the way its supposed to, it always does. Worrying about it isn't going to change anything....
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Rough day :(
Today was a rough day... Today my niece was married.
I am very happy for her and she seems to have found a great man. I am so sad though because I could not be there to watch her walk down the aisle.
Why? Well, because of my family. When I was 15 my (un-married) sister had a beautiful baby girl. The day she came home from the hospital she handed her to me and said "here you go, I'll be back in an hour" that hour turned into days. When she finally came home her reply to me asking where she had been... "I said an hour, not which hour or which day". Ummm OK!!. I ended up having her for the better part of 5 years. When she had her second one, it was the same thing. I was still in school but I found a sitter during the day, and since I was a good student I took study halls at the end of the day, so I could get out early to take care of them.
My sister came and went, sometimes not hearing from her for a week at a time. She met a man at a bar one night and he moved in with her that night. Things went from bad to worse instantly. She had major anger issues and so did he. She decided then she wanted to play happy family. The kids were being abused repeatedly and I turned them in. When the oldest was 6 social services pulled her out of my arms to return her back to her "mother". She was kicking and screaming, begging them to let her stay with me. That was the 3rd time he broke one of the kids bones and he went to jail for a little while, she got probation. My sister told the kids it was my fault, I took their "Daddy" away. I was no longer allowed to see the kids. When I saw them at family functions the kids would get beat if they so much as even looked at me. Social Services wouldn't do anything else. I wasn't even allowed visitation, because I am only an aunt. They got back together as soon as he was released from jail.
Over the years I prayed that the kids would remember that I tried to help them and that once they were adults that we could re-connect. They are both grown now and it still hasn't happened. The oldest doesn't even remember all of the time we spent together, just the things her "mother" fed her all of these years.
So today as she was celebrating one of the happiest days of her life I was not allowed to be a part of it. I feel like I have been gutted. Today is the day that I have to face the fact that, the day I have been waiting for is never going to come. The little girl I thought of as mine wants nothing to do with me and probably never will.
I think that is one of the reasons I have waited so long to have kids. I haven't had contact with my sister in years but in the back of my mind, I have always had the fear that if I have kids (especially by myself) that she will somehow be able to take them away from me. Crazy I know!
Why is it that life never turns out like you think it's going to????
I am very happy for her and she seems to have found a great man. I am so sad though because I could not be there to watch her walk down the aisle.
Why? Well, because of my family. When I was 15 my (un-married) sister had a beautiful baby girl. The day she came home from the hospital she handed her to me and said "here you go, I'll be back in an hour" that hour turned into days. When she finally came home her reply to me asking where she had been... "I said an hour, not which hour or which day". Ummm OK!!. I ended up having her for the better part of 5 years. When she had her second one, it was the same thing. I was still in school but I found a sitter during the day, and since I was a good student I took study halls at the end of the day, so I could get out early to take care of them.
My sister came and went, sometimes not hearing from her for a week at a time. She met a man at a bar one night and he moved in with her that night. Things went from bad to worse instantly. She had major anger issues and so did he. She decided then she wanted to play happy family. The kids were being abused repeatedly and I turned them in. When the oldest was 6 social services pulled her out of my arms to return her back to her "mother". She was kicking and screaming, begging them to let her stay with me. That was the 3rd time he broke one of the kids bones and he went to jail for a little while, she got probation. My sister told the kids it was my fault, I took their "Daddy" away. I was no longer allowed to see the kids. When I saw them at family functions the kids would get beat if they so much as even looked at me. Social Services wouldn't do anything else. I wasn't even allowed visitation, because I am only an aunt. They got back together as soon as he was released from jail.
Over the years I prayed that the kids would remember that I tried to help them and that once they were adults that we could re-connect. They are both grown now and it still hasn't happened. The oldest doesn't even remember all of the time we spent together, just the things her "mother" fed her all of these years.
So today as she was celebrating one of the happiest days of her life I was not allowed to be a part of it. I feel like I have been gutted. Today is the day that I have to face the fact that, the day I have been waiting for is never going to come. The little girl I thought of as mine wants nothing to do with me and probably never will.
I think that is one of the reasons I have waited so long to have kids. I haven't had contact with my sister in years but in the back of my mind, I have always had the fear that if I have kids (especially by myself) that she will somehow be able to take them away from me. Crazy I know!
Why is it that life never turns out like you think it's going to????
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