Update

So I called the lab tech to check on the quality / mobility of the sample. All they would tell me was it was adequate. They wouldn't give a number (or estimate). Since I was on the phone with her I asked  what it was that they used to dilate my cervix and I told her some of the symptoms I've been having and she said "Oh that might mean you are pregnant then!" "I'll tell the nurse your symptoms and ask what it was they used to dilate and have her call you back."

The Nurse Practitioner who performed the IUI called back. She was not nice. She acted like I had insulted her in some way by talking to the lab tech about the sample. She was so very rude. She said that since a woman who uses her HUSBANDs' sperm (she kept stressing the word Husbands') only has about a 13% chance of pregnancy each IUI, that my chances of succeeding are way less. She said she could pretty much guarantee I wasn't pregnant and that the symptoms I've been having for the last 2 weeks are because I am MID cycle (not the end?) and I'm about to start my period any day. I told her I've had cramps and bloating since the IUI. I just asked if it was normal to still be bloated and have cramps. I normally do not have cramps until the day I actually start so it would be very abnormal to have them for almost 2 weeks. She also said she did not use anything to dilate my cervix, even though she told me that day that she did, and whatever it was, was on a swab all ready to go. I wanted to point out that if a woman was going to the doctors to be inseminated with her husbands sperm that there was an issue somewhere and that was why the numbers where low. I have no noted fertility problems so I would think I would have at least slightly better odds. 

Besides that, how can she "pretty much guarantee" me that I'm not pregnant if she performed an IUI? I know the chances are slim but its not impossible. Only time will tell I guess....

Today was the day...

Today was the day of my 1st IUI. I had a really hard time choosing the donor. I researched so many banks and could not decide which one to go with. I have been seriously researching since February. I had it narrowed down to 2 and I had a donor I liked on each site. Of course the one I really wanted was on a waitlist. I waited a few months but the donor was still not available so I went with my 2nd choice/ different bank. I was all set to complete the purchase when I found an old FDA warning letter from 2011 that changed my mind. It was a warning letter to the bank stating that they had found testing issues with 26 donors! They did the medical testing on the donors originally and quarantined the sperm but they never re-tested the donors for the required things prior to releasing the sperm. When I contacted the FDA to see if the bank had been inspected since then and if there were any recent complaints they told me I had to file a Freedom of Information Request. I decided I wasn't comfortable with that bank even though other people had used them and had great reviews for them. Their customer service was great but I couldn't get past them messing up with 26 donors. How many more did they let through that no one ever found out about?  So, that led me back to the other bank and luckily they had a new donor that fit what was looking for.

I placed my order on Thursday and had it delivered to the doctors office on Friday.  The doctor told me to test for the LH surge only in the morning and to call to arrange for an appointment for the following day once I got the surge. I'm glad I didn't listen to the "only test once a day"! I tested randomly throughout the day on Sunday and it was late afternoon before I got the surge. I re-tested the next morning and the test was negative. If I had only tested once a day like they said to I would have missed the surge completely. I went in for the IUI today and had a nurse practitioner I had never met before perform the IUI. She was really nice (at 1st) and explained everything that would be done. She said the sperm had 25% motility but they usually see 30%. She said they couldn't tell what the count was at their office because it was frozen sperm and they didn't have a microscope that powerful. ?? How can they tell motility percentage if they don't have a number to base it off of? 25% of what? I'm going to call the lab and speak to them directly.

The IUI itself was very painful. I believed everyone when they told me it would be like a pap. I was in a lot of pain and they had to apply something to open my cervix because she couldn't get the catheter in. It felt like she basically rammed the utensils in me and when I swore she replied "Well this is what you wanted right"?  Uhmm no! Holy hell! I thought the IUI was the easy part. I am really beginning to doubt myself. If I can't handle an IUI, that everyone else says is nothing, how can I possibly handle child birth?!? I expected to be uncomfortable but I really didn't expect that kind of pain or the bleeding afterwards. Can't stand up straight kind of pain. I came right home and laid in bed for 3 hours and am feeling better. I'm not really sure what to think, I just can't imagine going through what many other women have had to go through to get pregnant. Years of this and way worse. I'm not that strong, I'm already wondering if I could put myself through it again.

Happy Halloween

Halloween was always my favorite holiday as a child. It was more than just getting dressed up in a costume and asking for candy. :)

For me, part of the fun was helping to make the costume. Weeks ahead of time we would choose just the right costume, search for the pattern and materials, and my Mom would sew it all together. Sometimes it was made out of things we had around the house. It's amazing the ideas you can come up with if you put your mind to it!

Halloween night we always had dinner right after I got home from school and then the fun began! My mom always dressed in costume too and between myself, my nieces, sister-in-law, friends, and my Mom there was always a bunch of us to get ready (my brothers and sisters are much older than I am so my nieces are just a few years younger than me). We would all laugh and help everyone get into their costumes and makeup. We then set out through the neighborhood, all of us walking and meeting up with other groups along the way. We told ghost stories and talked about the "haunted houses" along the route. The last stop of the night was always at my Grandmothers house. (She was one of those people who was like a grandma to everyone in the neighboorhood) She always had a special bag of goodies for us and her famous homemade cider donuts. We waited all year for those donuts!!

Memories :) I hope someday I have the opportunity to create those special memories with my children....

1st Post ~ ever

I'm actually suprised to find myself here in the blogging world. I am typically not a person who writes out her thoughts and feelings, especially for anyone in the world to see. I have been inspired by the Choice Mom blogs I have been reading recently, so I thought I might give it a shot!

I am 36 years old and I have always wanted to be a Mom. My dream was always to get married and have babies. While others dreamed of becoming doctors or lawyers and traveling the world, I dreamed of being a stay-at-home Mom. My friends and family all thought I would be 1st to have kids. Well, Life Happened, and not the way I had planned! I am pretty much the only one in my group who is still unmarried and childless.

What happened? How did I end up where I am today? Perhaps it was because I waited years for the man I thought I would share my life with to return to me (more on that later) and missed my chance? Perhaps it was because I didn't want to end up with the wrong man like some others had. I guess there is no one answer to that question.

I turned 36 a few days ago and all I have thought about since was becoming a Mom on my own. I have thought about it for years but not in quite the same way. It was always a "maybe someday I will get the guts to go ahead with it" kind of thing. For some reason on my birthday, as I sat there alone waiting to meet family for dinner, I saw myself years down the road, still unmarried, still childless. I realized that even though things didn't work out the way I had planned (I still hope they someday will) I would rather have a child on my own than wait for my dream to happen and possibly miss my chance entirely.

Hopefuly I can become part of the Choice Mom "family"! Thank you for reading my blog :)