Surgery

Since my last post I've had several doctors appointments and tests because of the pain I was having. They did an ultrasound and found what they think is a uterine polyp and my uterine lining was really thick. A few weeks later I had a hysterosonogram done to confirm the original tests. On friday I have to have a D & C and a Hysteroscopy to remove the polyp and have it analyzed for abnormal cells.

I'm afraid to have it done because it requires anesthesia. When I was around 5 or 6 I had a minor surgery and my heart stopped because of the anesthesia. They think it was an allergy or they overdosed me. I have had surgery since then and everything turned out fine but it still scares me.

I ended up going back to my original gynecologist because I was just not comfortable with the place I was going to for the IUI's. I'm glad I made the switch. My doctor told me that any good doctor wouldn't perform an IUI knowing a patient has a polyp because polyps can cause infertility issues. From what I understand polyps can prevent the egg/sperm from implanting and can cause miscarriages. I have had the polyp for quite a while, it was found on the original round of testing I did before I did the 1st IUI. The doctor allowed me to spend all of that time and money knowing it probably wouldn't work. There is also the chance that the polyp has abnormal cells and I've waited over a year to have it taken care of.

Hopefully this quick surgery will take care of all of the problems and it will be normal tissue and I can figure out my next options.  My current doctor told me that their office recently started doing IUI's so I won't have to go back to the other office to have it done!! :)

Another Delay

I was going to try again this month but now I have to wait again. Some days it feels like I'm just not supposed to do this.

A few weeks ago I came down with a nasty cold / sinus infection that wouldn't go away and I was having abdominal pain. The doc put me on some meds for the cold and scheduled some tests for the abdominal pain. The meds ended up causing horrible heart palpitations, so bad they were knocking the breathe out of me and I was having chest pain. They said the chest pain was from the cold/ infection and they prescribed an inhaler. I have an arrhythmia anyways so I was concerned about the heart issue. The palpitations were strong enough they were really scaring me. The doc suggested I wait to have another IUI because of all the meds in my system and to make sure there were no on-going issues. The abdominal pain stopped after one really bad night (before taking any tests) so we assume it was another ovarian cyst. I've had them before that required surgery.  The heart palpitation stopped after I finished the meds they gave me for the cold / sinus infection. Luckily it ended up being nothing serious but I have to wait at least another month for my next IUI.

I have been looking into foster care adoption and adopting thru an agency. I even request information about a child thru Second Chance Adoptions. If you are not familiar with them they are an organization who helps to find homes for older kids who's adoption has failed for various reasons. Most days I browse Adopt U* K*ds and other waiting child sites and wonder if that's the route I'm meant to take? The next foster care class starts this fall and I think I going to attend. I'm not sure that is the road I will end up taking but at least my options will be clearer. I don't really think adopting an infant thru a regular agency will work for me. My cousin and her husband have been on the waiting list for a baby for the last few years. I'm not sure why they haven't been chosen but I kind of feel like if they haven't been chosen why would someone choose me? I'm just an average girl with an average income. Coming up with the funds for a regular agency would be a challenge as well.

Another try?

I am considering another try. I just need to decide if I want to stay with the same donor or try another one. I will post when I figure out what I'm doing.

I have recently opened an Etsy shop. I make baby blankets, quilts, etc hoping to make a little extra money to pay for the next round of IUI. I just started on the site and have only made one sale so far. I only have a few items listed but I'm trying to add a few more items every week. Wish me luck!

Another negative

I'm so upset and disappointed. I really thought this time would be different. Everything seemed to go perfectly.

Realistically I'm not sure how many more tries I can afford right now. I had originally said I would try 3 times and then review my options. I had very little money to start with due to all of the home renovations. It was not ideally the best time to try, but I'm afraid to wait and miss my chance. Maybe I have already missed my chance. I'm afraid to spend all of the money I have and not have it work. If I spend all of my money on IUI's it will take me that much longer if I try to adopt. I have heard that the China program is changing its requirements starting in January and it will be slightly easier for singles to adopt. Maybe that is the way I should be going?? International adoption is so expensive  and that has risks too. I'm so unsure of what to do... It always seems to come down to money. Money seems to rule everything in my life and I hate it.

I'm really mad at myself for waiting as long as I did. I kept thinking if I waited I might find the right guy and have a family the traditional way. Now it may be too late... 

IUI # 2

I had my second IUI yesterday @ 4pm and it was a completely different experience than the 1st time. I had a male doctor (I was very nervous about that) and they opened the office just for me since it was a Saturday. He is with the same office I went to before. The doctor and lab technician were both very nice and they tried their best to reassure me about the procedure. It hurt so bad the last time that it took me 3 months to try again. I told the doctor briefly about my experience last time and he said that the procedure should not have hurt like that and he was right. It didn't hurt at all this time only some discomfort at the beginning like with a pap. I actually had to ask if he was really finished. I have not had any of the bleeding or cramping I had last time either. The last time I had it I could barely drive myself home. Now I wonder what the heck she did to me? So the two week wait begins....

Try # 2

I will be getting another IUI the beginning of December if all goes well. I've been looking at other donors and other banks but I keep going back to the one I've already chosen. I'm cmv negative so it narrows the selection quite a bit. I guess I keep looking because it seems like everyone says "you will just know when you find the right donor". That didn't really happen for me. I really like the donor and the personality that is portrayed but there is one medical concern I'm not sure if I should really even worry about. I guess in all reality I'm still having a really hard time letting go of the dream I've had my whole life. I wanted to fall in love, get married, and then have a baby.

Considering that I've been out on 2 dates in 5 years, I don't see that happening. Not in time for me to have a baby anyway. I haven't dated for a few reasons. The last relationship I was in ended badly. I was living with a guy and we worked together. We had slightly different hours and worked in different departments so we didn't really see each other during the work day. The day it ended started like any other, he left for work an hour before I did and got home before me. That morning he complained about work and I told him if he wasn't happy to do something about it. I thought he would look for another job (before or after giving  notice to his job, I didn't really care). That afternoon I see him pull back into work after his shift. I didn't really think anything of it, he often came back for his tools if he had a project he was working on. No one said a word to me about why he was there and he didn't come and say hello. When I got home, my house was pretty much empty. He had cleaned out all of his things and left, not even leaving a note. He wouldn't answer my calls or my texts. He was gone. Going back to work the next day was hard. I couldn't believe no one said a word about him loading up his tools and quitting. We hadn't really been together that long, but it was long enough for me to have let him move in with me. My family loved him and we had a lot of plans. It really hurt when I found out he had moved out of state and within TWO weeks he had married an ex-girlfriend he supposedly hadn't seen in quite some time.

I decided right then to take some time off from dating. I had to make sure I was choosing the right kind of guy and for the right reasons.  I seemed to always choose the same type and I didn't want to make that mistake again. Now, 5 years later I've been on 2 dates and don't really have the desire to go through it all again. I know it could be different with the right person, its just finding him. I've been so busy working on my house I didn't really have the time to date. My sister keeps encouraging me to try internet dating but I can't seem to force myself to actually write a profile. I keep joking that if I haven't met Tall, Dark, and Handsome at the hardware store I'm probably not going to find him anywhere. In a way I feel like I would be rushing things if I met someone anyway. I want to have a baby and time is limited for me to do so. With my age and family history multiple doctors have said if I'm going to do it, I need to do it now. So hopefully this try will be the lucky one. I will keep you updated....

Negative

Well the Nurse Practitioner was right with her prediction. I woke up one morning and the bloating and cramping was gone. I started 2 days later.  It really bugs me that she was so negative about the whole thing. I really think she has an issue with me being single because of comments she made. I am undecided on what to do. I'm not really comfortable with this doctors office at all. I am considering another office but I don't really want to have to start all over with the testing that the new office requires. They are also a lot farther away from me.

Does anyone have any experience with an ICI (Intracervical Insemination) instead of an IUI? The nurse practitioner at the current doctor's office I am going to told me she didn't even know what an ICI was. Not real reassuring!  I was considering doing the ICI with the same office but now I'm not so sure. The bank I am using will ship to my home with a doctors signature so that is an option as well. I just don't know that much about it (ICI) and I don't know anyone who has gone that route.

Since it didn't work this time I decided to tackle another major home project and build a back porch. My Mom and I have got most of the wall framing done and I will hopefully have the roof on in a few days. Thank God for my Mom, I don't know what I'd do without her!!

Update

So I called the lab tech to check on the quality / mobility of the sample. All they would tell me was it was adequate. They wouldn't give a number (or estimate). Since I was on the phone with her I asked  what it was that they used to dilate my cervix and I told her some of the symptoms I've been having and she said "Oh that might mean you are pregnant then!" "I'll tell the nurse your symptoms and ask what it was they used to dilate and have her call you back."

The Nurse Practitioner who performed the IUI called back. She was not nice. She acted like I had insulted her in some way by talking to the lab tech about the sample. She was so very rude. She said that since a woman who uses her HUSBANDs' sperm (she kept stressing the word Husbands') only has about a 13% chance of pregnancy each IUI, that my chances of succeeding are way less. She said she could pretty much guarantee I wasn't pregnant and that the symptoms I've been having for the last 2 weeks are because I am MID cycle (not the end?) and I'm about to start my period any day. I told her I've had cramps and bloating since the IUI. I just asked if it was normal to still be bloated and have cramps. I normally do not have cramps until the day I actually start so it would be very abnormal to have them for almost 2 weeks. She also said she did not use anything to dilate my cervix, even though she told me that day that she did, and whatever it was, was on a swab all ready to go. I wanted to point out that if a woman was going to the doctors to be inseminated with her husbands sperm that there was an issue somewhere and that was why the numbers where low. I have no noted fertility problems so I would think I would have at least slightly better odds. 

Besides that, how can she "pretty much guarantee" me that I'm not pregnant if she performed an IUI? I know the chances are slim but its not impossible. Only time will tell I guess....

Today was the day...

Today was the day of my 1st IUI. I had a really hard time choosing the donor. I researched so many banks and could not decide which one to go with. I have been seriously researching since February. I had it narrowed down to 2 and I had a donor I liked on each site. Of course the one I really wanted was on a waitlist. I waited a few months but the donor was still not available so I went with my 2nd choice/ different bank. I was all set to complete the purchase when I found an old FDA warning letter from 2011 that changed my mind. It was a warning letter to the bank stating that they had found testing issues with 26 donors! They did the medical testing on the donors originally and quarantined the sperm but they never re-tested the donors for the required things prior to releasing the sperm. When I contacted the FDA to see if the bank had been inspected since then and if there were any recent complaints they told me I had to file a Freedom of Information Request. I decided I wasn't comfortable with that bank even though other people had used them and had great reviews for them. Their customer service was great but I couldn't get past them messing up with 26 donors. How many more did they let through that no one ever found out about?  So, that led me back to the other bank and luckily they had a new donor that fit what was looking for.

I placed my order on Thursday and had it delivered to the doctors office on Friday.  The doctor told me to test for the LH surge only in the morning and to call to arrange for an appointment for the following day once I got the surge. I'm glad I didn't listen to the "only test once a day"! I tested randomly throughout the day on Sunday and it was late afternoon before I got the surge. I re-tested the next morning and the test was negative. If I had only tested once a day like they said to I would have missed the surge completely. I went in for the IUI today and had a nurse practitioner I had never met before perform the IUI. She was really nice (at 1st) and explained everything that would be done. She said the sperm had 25% motility but they usually see 30%. She said they couldn't tell what the count was at their office because it was frozen sperm and they didn't have a microscope that powerful. ?? How can they tell motility percentage if they don't have a number to base it off of? 25% of what? I'm going to call the lab and speak to them directly.

The IUI itself was very painful. I believed everyone when they told me it would be like a pap. I was in a lot of pain and they had to apply something to open my cervix because she couldn't get the catheter in. It felt like she basically rammed the utensils in me and when I swore she replied "Well this is what you wanted right"?  Uhmm no! Holy hell! I thought the IUI was the easy part. I am really beginning to doubt myself. If I can't handle an IUI, that everyone else says is nothing, how can I possibly handle child birth?!? I expected to be uncomfortable but I really didn't expect that kind of pain or the bleeding afterwards. Can't stand up straight kind of pain. I came right home and laid in bed for 3 hours and am feeling better. I'm not really sure what to think, I just can't imagine going through what many other women have had to go through to get pregnant. Years of this and way worse. I'm not that strong, I'm already wondering if I could put myself through it again.

Appointment

I have my first consultation appointment next week. I decided to start with a local OBGYN that does inseminations. The appointment is a week away from today and I'm already so nervous I feel sick! :) I have been waiting for about 2 months for the appointment and my list of questions for the doctor keeps growing... I tend to be an over-thinker and have so many worries. Some of which I know are normal, others I'm sure I've created for myself.

Part of me is scared to death to actually be pregnant. I read all of these horror stories about women who have had major complications and of course I think its going to happen to me. Its not even the actual delivery that I fear, which I probably should right?!? I fear a pulmonary embolism or an aneurysm, which I know are both pretty rare. So why do I have this fear? Maybe because two of my nieces have had pregnancy complications. Maybe because I read too much?!? One of my nieces was hospitalized for months during her pregnancy due to a heart problems that had previously been undiagnosed and only affected her while pregnant. The other niece, who had a baby 5 week ago, was just released from the hospital last week after having a very serious and rare blood clot in her ovarian vein.

Another worry is my job. Right now I am able to pay my mortgage and pay extra towards paying off debt, but not much else. The home renovations have put a huge dent in any savings that I may have had. I have figured out costs associated with having a baby as best as I can and will be able to afford it as long as I can keep the job/pay level I am at. I currently work very close to my house so there are not a lot of gas expenses and/or extra car maintenance. I work for a small family owned business that has less than 30 employees and I am the only female working there. The owner is pretty "old school" and thinks women should only be answering the phone and filing. I'm not sure how they would handle me being pregnant. They asked me in the interview whether I had kids or not and when I replied "no" they said "good, that's how we like it". I know that this is pretty much illegal for them to ask but I really needed the job at the time. I worry that they will find a reason to "lay me off" and I won't be able to find another job at my pay level. This has been a big worry for me for a while now. I know that I can't let that fear stop me from my dreams so I need to figure out a way to protect myself from a financial crisis if it were to happen.

I also worry about my dogs. I have 2 lab mixes who are like my kids and would do just about anything for them. I worry about what it will be like to be alone, with a baby in the house, and two big dogs. Will the dogs be OK with a baby? Who will take care of them if something were to happen to me? (I already have a plan for who would care for the baby).
My dogs have never really been around kids, other than the neighbor and that was thru the fence. They are sometimes loud and rowdy but are pretty low maintenance. I am fortunate enough to have a decent sized fenced in yard and they pretty much entertain themselves when I am working on the house.  I see so many people who get rid of their dogs after having kids. Why? Did the dogs not get along with the baby? Is it really because they don't have the time to spend with them anymore, taking them for walks, feeding them, etc? Did they allow for an adjustment period? I am NOT judging anyone who made the decision to re-home a pet. I am just really curious why someone would have to make that choice so I can prepare as best as I can. Anyone have any experience with this?

Am I really worrying about all of this stuff for nothing? I know most of the things I worry about won't ever happen. Or they could happen even without me being pregnant. I know it will all work out the way its supposed to, it always does. Worrying about it isn't going to change anything....

Rough day :(

Today was a rough day... Today my niece was married.

I am very happy for her and she seems to have found a great man. I am so sad though because I could not be there to watch her walk down the aisle.

Why? Well, because of my family. When I was 15 my (un-married) sister had a beautiful baby girl. The day she came home from the hospital she handed her to me and said "here you go, I'll be back in an hour" that hour turned into days. When she finally came home her reply to me asking where she had been... "I said an hour, not which hour or which day". Ummm OK!!. I ended up having her for the better part of 5 years. When she had her second one, it was the same thing. I was still in school but I found a sitter during the day, and since I was a good student I took study halls at the end of the day, so I could get out early to take care of them.

 My sister came and went, sometimes not hearing from her for a week at a time. She met a man at a bar one night and he moved in with her that night. Things went from bad to worse instantly. She had major anger issues and so did he. She decided then she wanted to play happy family. The kids were being abused repeatedly and I turned them in.  When the oldest was 6 social services pulled her out of my arms to return her back to her "mother". She was kicking and screaming, begging them to let her stay with me. That was the 3rd time he broke one of the kids bones and he went to jail for a little while, she got probation. My sister told the kids it was my fault, I took their "Daddy" away. I was no longer allowed to see the kids. When I saw them at family functions the kids would get beat if they so much as even looked at me. Social Services wouldn't do anything else. I wasn't even allowed visitation, because I am only an aunt. They got back together as soon as he was released from jail.

Over the years I prayed that the kids would remember that I tried to help them and that once they were adults that we could re-connect. They are both grown now and it still hasn't happened. The oldest doesn't even remember all of the time we spent together, just the things her "mother" fed her all of these years.

So today as she was celebrating one of the happiest days of her life I was not allowed to be a part of it. I feel like I have been gutted. Today is the day that I have to face the fact that, the day I have been waiting for is never going to come. The little girl I thought of as mine wants nothing to do with me and probably never will.

I think that is one of the reasons I have waited so long to have kids. I haven't had contact with my sister in years but in the back of my mind, I have always had the fear that if I have kids (especially by myself) that she will somehow be able to take them away from me. Crazy I know!

Why is it that life never turns out like you think it's going to????

Sharing Holiday Joy

Mama Bear over at "A Road Less Traveled" posted yesterday about a great program to help send some holiday joy to needy children. See her post here: A Road Less Traveled /christmas-blessings

I think it is a great idea and I will be sending a box myself. Anyone want to join us? Here is the link with the info: Operation Christmas Child

Happy Halloween

Halloween was always my favorite holiday as a child. It was more than just getting dressed up in a costume and asking for candy. :)

For me, part of the fun was helping to make the costume. Weeks ahead of time we would choose just the right costume, search for the pattern and materials, and my Mom would sew it all together. Sometimes it was made out of things we had around the house. It's amazing the ideas you can come up with if you put your mind to it!

Halloween night we always had dinner right after I got home from school and then the fun began! My mom always dressed in costume too and between myself, my nieces, sister-in-law, friends, and my Mom there was always a bunch of us to get ready (my brothers and sisters are much older than I am so my nieces are just a few years younger than me). We would all laugh and help everyone get into their costumes and makeup. We then set out through the neighborhood, all of us walking and meeting up with other groups along the way. We told ghost stories and talked about the "haunted houses" along the route. The last stop of the night was always at my Grandmothers house. (She was one of those people who was like a grandma to everyone in the neighboorhood) She always had a special bag of goodies for us and her famous homemade cider donuts. We waited all year for those donuts!!

Memories :) I hope someday I have the opportunity to create those special memories with my children....

Waiting...

I am hoping to start TTC in January of 2014. I am waiting until then because of my house.

In 2010 I bought a fixer-upper in a nice neighborhood. The house hadn't been updated in over 30 years and it was the cheapest house in the neighborhood. My plan was new windows, doors, paint, hardwood flooring, and nice trim work. I knew a little about remodeling from helping my father with projects over the years. I thought my father would be helping me with the remodel but as it turns out I haven't seen him now for over 3 years. My parents split up after 35 years and he decided he wanted nothing to do with me (although they are on friendly terms ?!?). So, I learned very quickly. I did as much internet research as I could and just jumped in.

I started with new windows and quickly found out that the house would need a total gut job! The wiring was awful and there was pretty much NO insulation in the walls or attic. I knew that I would probably end up doing more than I had originally planned (you always find unexpected things while remodeling!) but I didn't think it would be that bad. Most of the issues were from someone cobbing things together and/or not using the right materials. I found live wires in the walls that went to nothing! So as I said, it started with windows, and quickly went to new electric, new insulation throughout the house, new doors, all new bathroom, all new plumbing, new hot water heater, new vinyl siding, new front porch, oh and the well went screwy on me and I had to drive a new well point (a new well for those who don't know what a point is) and put in a new tank and pump. I figured while I was at it I might as well move a few walls and move the kithcen from the TINY little area it was in, to across the house and make it into a kitchen/dining room combo! Needless to say it was very messy for a while. The rough construction is almost done now, in fact the last bedroom will be sheetrocked this weekend! Yay for me!! It will probably take me a few more months to finish the house completely, as I still have to paint every room, build another custom closet, build a custom entertainment center in the living room, trim every room, and decide on flooring and install it! I also want to add a deck around the above ground pool I installed last summer. I feel like it is finally coming together! (Thanks for the help Mom, I couldn't have done it without you!!)

I feel like if I can accomplish all of that and more, with two dogs and working full time, that I can do just about anything that I put my mind too! I only had to hire someone to do the new roof and to put in the new furnace.

The house is one of the reasons I feel I am still single. All of the men I have met since starting this project have been intimidated by me and the fact I jumped in on my own to do this. I didn't really have a choice. I thought my father would be helping me and I had budgeted for that. I couldn't afford to hire someone to do the work for me and I couldn't just live in the house the way it was until I saved the money, it was not safe.

This process has taught me a lot. Now that I know I can do things on my own that I never imagined I could, it has helped give me the courage I need to try to become a Mom on my own.

Decisions

I have a lot of decision to make. I have no doubt that I want to be a Mom, I'm just not sure the route I should take.

The options I am considering:

Foster to adopt
International Adoption (waiting child)
Use donor sperm and try for a biological child


Foster to adopt - there are many positives and negatives to this option.

International Adoption - I have always wanted to adopt internationaly and am drawn to adopting one of the many waiting children. Unfortunately, I'm not sure I could afford the fees associated with international adoption AND the time I would have to be out of the country (not working/collecting a paycheck). Possible at some point, but probably not right now.

Use donor sperm - This is the way I am leaning right now. At my age I will be lucky to get pregnant, if I put it off any longer I may not have the option. My family has a long history of endometriosis and other issues that have caused them to have to have hysterectomies at an early age (most of them in their early 30's).


I've talked to my doctor and she recommended a fertility specialist, although she does not see any reason why I can't get pregnant. In my area there are not many options for doctors who perform IUI's/IVF so if I were to go to the specialist it would be at least an hours drive each way to the office. I called around and found a OB/GYN office that will do IUI's locally. It costs about the same for each office so I'm not sure which one I will choose. The local office is also on call for weekends in case I need to go in outside of typical office hours. Just the thought of going to a "specialist" scares me. How do I choose which one to go to??

1st Post ~ ever

I'm actually suprised to find myself here in the blogging world. I am typically not a person who writes out her thoughts and feelings, especially for anyone in the world to see. I have been inspired by the Choice Mom blogs I have been reading recently, so I thought I might give it a shot!

I am 36 years old and I have always wanted to be a Mom. My dream was always to get married and have babies. While others dreamed of becoming doctors or lawyers and traveling the world, I dreamed of being a stay-at-home Mom. My friends and family all thought I would be 1st to have kids. Well, Life Happened, and not the way I had planned! I am pretty much the only one in my group who is still unmarried and childless.

What happened? How did I end up where I am today? Perhaps it was because I waited years for the man I thought I would share my life with to return to me (more on that later) and missed my chance? Perhaps it was because I didn't want to end up with the wrong man like some others had. I guess there is no one answer to that question.

I turned 36 a few days ago and all I have thought about since was becoming a Mom on my own. I have thought about it for years but not in quite the same way. It was always a "maybe someday I will get the guts to go ahead with it" kind of thing. For some reason on my birthday, as I sat there alone waiting to meet family for dinner, I saw myself years down the road, still unmarried, still childless. I realized that even though things didn't work out the way I had planned (I still hope they someday will) I would rather have a child on my own than wait for my dream to happen and possibly miss my chance entirely.

Hopefuly I can become part of the Choice Mom "family"! Thank you for reading my blog :)